I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
and will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
and will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things i didnt do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months, it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I’ll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away” just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How could you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.
For you
For you
For you
October 2010
83 posts
Who just got an xbox? me. suck it. I need good games. these are balls. i want left for dead. and scary as fuck bioshock. YEAH!
telling us
where we belong.” —— Justine Li, El Norte
My first thought is, fuck, I need a time-machine, why am I not friends with a scientist who I call doc, has a dog named Einstein, and has an obsession with clocks.
The things I would do to you.
stitched together with good intentions.” —Augusten Burroughs
I shrugged my shoulders, muttered “back soon,” and plunged into the darkness. At first I couldn’t see anything. I fumbled along the cobblestone street. I lit a cigarette. Suddenly the moon appeared from behind a black cloud, lighting a white wall that was crumbled in places. I stopped, blinded by such whiteness. Wind whistled slightly. I breathed the air of the tamarinds. The night hummed, full of leaves and insects. Crickets bivouacked in the tall grass. I raised my head: up there the stars too had set up camp. I thought that the universe was a vast system of signs, a conversation between giant beings. My actions, the cricket’s saw, the star’s blink, were nothing but pauses and syllables, scattered phrases from that dialogue. What word could it be, of which I was only a syllable? Who speaks the word? To whom is it spoken? I threw my cigarette down on the sidewalk. Falling, it drew a shining curve, shooting out brief sparks like a tiny comet.
I walked a long time, slowly. I felt free, secure between the lips that were at that moment speaking me with such happiness. The night was a garden of eyes.
” —— Octavio Paz, The Blue BouquetMy bestfriend. Her house has been foreclosed. I hate people. I just want to cry. She’ll be moving so far away. Fuck. Damnit. Shit. I can’t do anything.
which, i mean, FUCK. it fucking sucks that i can’t automatically assume that about everyone (which is, of course, why the fight obviously does not end at well-chosen lilac accessories), but i can’t. i obviously can’t, because there are clearly people out there who would harass and hurt me and mine until we see no option but dying, and that will be their intent. i’ve been wildly out for about seven years, but every time i tell a new person, i have a flicker of fear. every time i see someone glance swiftly toward the rainbows that are splattered across my backpack, my fists tighten a bit. being queer is a long road of constantly defending who you are to other people. it is tiring. i’m only nineteen, and i’ve been shitfuck lucky when it comes to acceptance or at least tolerance, and i am exhausted by it. i am exhausted. i am parched.
and today, when i see that purple person… i won’t care if you think it’s inane, it’s going to be a splash of water on my tongue. i am going to feel that tiny expression of love, and i am going to feel safer. i am going to feel less alone, more supported, just… better. that person wants me to live. they are mourning members of my family, they are showing support for us, they want me to live.
if this fucking sweatervest can do that for just one person, i think there’s something to be said for the cause.” —Eating Dictionaries
- Respect for self.
- Respect for others.
- Responsibility for all your actions. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. Spend some time alone everyday. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality. Be gentle with the earth. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.” —— The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet
I try so hard to make those around me happy. I try so hard to talk to people and have them like me and I’d never lie. And lying whorey bitches get all the friends and everyone to love them and want to be like them. Me. Nothing. All I can say is fuck people. I’m losing my hope in the world so much that if your yourself people will love you and such things like that. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of hearing about everyone hanging out and how much fun they had and everything and me never being invited and just so much shit. I can’t think straight. I can accumulate the words for how I feel but I know I am angry and passive aggressive. I’ve been so bi-polar lately.
I’ll create the cosmos
by myself
I’ll let it all stick to me” —— Leonard Cohen, “This Isn’t China”
I thought I told you to go to bed?!
Yesterday was awful. First thing in the morning I find out my p.e shorts are stolen. I don’t even know how they got my locker open. Second, I fail two tests on things I should have know but couldn’t remember for the life of me right there. Third I spend all of 5th period writing a ruff draft and final draft essay for 6th period and I end up writing the final draft in pencil so he might actually be-able to read it and not have it look like entire scribbles, and I even do extra half a page. So I take it up to up wanting to know what order it goes in, if the final draft or ruff draft is on top and he ask why I did my final in pencil, gives me a dirty look, and then he sees I did an exrat half a page and is like “You were only suppose to do a page” and so I’m kidding saying “Oh sorry, I’m just a really bad student today I guess.” And in an entire not kidding, not sarcastic, serious type tone he goes “Yeah, you really are being a bad student today.” I just wanted to scream.
Go to bed.
Today, was awful. I felt the great need to just cry my eyes out in Algebra 2 because I didn’t understand it a single bit. Everyone in the class but me gets it. I’m terrified to ask someone around me because they make me feel stupid. And my teacher, I don’t know why I’m just so scared and insucure to ask him. I don’t want him to think I’m stupid too. So yeah, just about broke down today in class. But I stopped myself and proceeded to force myself to feel better with a lovely cigarette at lunch time. I love how they block all exits but the front gate by the office, you can walk threw it anytime and just get off campus whenever you feel and they won’t stop you.
